goals – bReautiful

Good morning everybody!

I am just so excited to be here today. Making writing a daily habit has been a long time goal for me, and to actually get excited to show up for myself has been wonderful.

Today I want to reflect on 2018 and the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year and re-establish goals to finish the year, now that it’s already October (cue panic). But first I can’t help but share….

I find it so funny how the things we sometimes dread become the things we wish for. I opened the family business this morning at 6 am, a chore I usually dread doing. I only do it a couple times per week, but every time it is just plain torture. I am NOT a morning person. Oh hey, maybe a goal to add to the list.

unnamed (1) — Exhibit A: totally not a morning person.

That being said, lately I’ve been without a babysitter. I usually use the in-home care of one of my best friends from high school who has a kiddo Chloe’s age. She recently lost her home in Hurricane Florence, in addition to having her second baby just the other day! It’s been a wild month for her family, so childcare has been on hold.

My point in saying that is… Chloe has been with me 24/7. Like…. OMG. Save me. I love the girl more than life itself but holy hell, I need a break. Woah… perspective shift. See what I mean? Getting up so early to open the family business… all of a sudden it’s a joy to do. I get to sit ALONE and type away and enjoy my coffee. Oh perspective, you’re so awesome.

ANYWAY! I do intend to eventually get to my topic for today…. 2018 in review.

I am seriously and completely blown away that it’s now the end of October (whaaaa?!). How did this happen? I have become more aware that the year is drawing to a close, or at least keep telling myself to get ready because well… we ain’t stoppin’ time. With that, I’ve decided to sit and to reflect on 2018, see where I’ve come from, where I am now with my goals, and what I still want to do before we gather to sing “Auld Lang Syne”.

Y’ALL. When 2018 started I was sooooo freaking determined to make it my year. I was so personally sick of making New Years Resolutions every year. Bleh, ick, gross. I was so sick of failing them, only to get back up and have false hope the following year of “maybe I’ll actually follow through this year” instead of fully committing my heart, my soul, my life to my goal. My “New Life Resolution”.

For 2018, my goal, like most others’, was to regain control of my health. I was back over 200 lbs. I wanted to learn to run. I wanted to run a marathon. I wanted to gain control of my anxiety. I wanted to gain more independence. I began to realize how broken I really was. I had split from my child’s father, moved across the country, and in with my parents. I had sold everything I owned back in Utah yet I had no money. I had nothing but hurt feelings, a whole gaggle of anxiety and depressive problems, and continued to surround myself with things that didn’t serve me or my purpose. BUT! 2018 was going to be my year.

And holy shit, it has been.

Here’s a run down of my 2018—

I’ve lost over 40 lbs. (44 at the time of writing this).

I ran, and finished, that freaking marathon.

I’ve managed to stop pulling my hair out, defeating Trichotillomania for the first time in 17 years.

I got off my anti-depressants.

I filed for custody of my daughter.

I got into my own beautiful home.

I bought my own car.

I believe in myself.

Overall, I am happy.

I’ve written this list a few times now, and I can’t even believe it. Picking my jaw up off the floor, I realize I can believe it. I mean, this stuff doesn’t happen overnight and has taken me so much work. I’ve wanted to give up multiple times. Life is just hard, but that is okay. Most awesome things are hard.

I’m still not perfect. I still have days where I fall off the wagon. I have days where I feel so depressed I can’t breathe. I’m still fighting battles. But for once in my life I’ve gained a belief in myself and a willingness to face my challenges head on.

Now, by the end of 2018, I want to fine tune it all.

I will have lost 50 lbs.

I will run a 5k per day for the rest of the year.

I will continue to have pull-free days.

I will continue to be off my medication.

I will continue the fight for my daughter.

I will love and appreciate my home by implementing routines for cleanliness.

I will love and appreciate my car.

I will continue to develop my own confidence through personal development.

And a couple new ones- I will write daily for my blog and my journal. I want to begin 2019 with 10 committed piano students.

So here’s my public declaration. Leggo.

Then who knows what 2019 will bring! How can I top 2018? We’ll just have to wait and see!

What are you doing to finish up 2018?

So, every morning I purge my brain of every thought onto paper. It’s a practice that I only started regularly on the first of this month. It really has allowed me to start my day with clarity, less anxiety, and overall a sense of calmness. I highly recommend trying this! You learn a lot about yourself!

Sometimes I reread everything I wrote. Most of the time, I don’t. I mean, most of the time it’s a bunch of mumbo jumbo or something I fear I’ll feel guilty for thinking, or later wonder why I was thinking so irrationally, or why I was so worried about something so stupid, etc, etc.

This morning was slightly different. First off, I love Mondays. I used to be on the hating-Mondays-bandwagon with the rest of the cool kids, but not anymore. Mondays are awesome. I feel like Mondays are our weekly opportunity for New Week Resolutions, haha. So I got up, I made my coffee, threw some clothes on, went out to the back patio where I do my best thinking and I wrote, in addition to some random nonsense-

“It’s taken so so so so much hard work to get my mind where I want it to be, and I’m not even finished yet. It’s taken so much time. It’s taken so much consistency and so much wanting to give up….. But wow. WOW. Waking up and walking outside and feeling so excited just to be living and experiencing every moment….. It’s more than worth it.”

I honestly look at those words in shock now. Holy crap, I’ve achieved that. I mean, now that it’s 5 pm and I’ve had a whole day’s worth of nonsense in between writing those words and this moment. Chloe is finally napping. My house is a mess. Everything is crazy. And it’s so freaking easy to get wrapped up in the moment. Rereading those words and realizing that my greatest anxiety now only comes from not being present in every moment enough, and not from guilt or disappointment or feeling unworthy….. It is such a shift in mindset. It is everything.

Two years ago when I hit rock bottom, I never imagined myself being at this point- excited to wake up every day, not being able to hold back a smile. We can make our ultimate comeback from anxiety, from depression, from experiences, from anything that brings us down. We can learn to accept life. Life does not happen TO us, life happens FOR us. And it’s not that my problems have magically solved themselves. My problems still exist and still stress me the hell out. But that’s not the overall. That can’t touch my overwhelming sense of excitement for what life has in store for me day to day. My cheeks hurt from smiling so damn much. And I truly believe anybody is capable of feeling this same way. The determining factor for anything you ever do will be the amount of work you’re willing to put in. The journey to happiness is uh…. Less than ideal, and that’s putting it lightly. Practice patience. Practice diligence. Commit to yourself before all else. Believe in yourself. Then, one of these days, people will also stop you in the street and tell you to wipe that ridiculous smile off your face.

Most of all, believe you can do this. It is possible.

Need some tips to get you started? I invite you to join me while I explore all aspects of happiness and achieving it by following this blog. I’m ready to share!

Challenge #1: Try writing down your thoughts every morning for 10 days. Word vomit, as I call it. If you’re thinking it, write it down. See how much clearer your mind feels after 10 days. You may have yourself a new little routine!

Tag: goals

Reflecting on 2018 and goals to finish the year